laugher/guesser/parties/dimples/songs/good books/sweet movies/mcflurries/starbucks/late conversations.
I started this day with pouring cereals into our bowls. I wanted to give her a surprise breakfast-in-bed so I tried (so hard) to got up before she did. She was still sleeping when I came silently to our room. I put the music on, while slowly increasing the volume. Then I kneel beside our bed to wake her up. She was still sleeping until I saw she opened her eyes slowly. I took a picture of that moment. That’s when I thought I’ve succeeded to give her a surprise without being noticed, at least this time. The first thing she did when she came back to this world was smiling. She gave the smile, the smile which showed that she wasn’t so surprise because she already knew that I’m going to do this. But believe me she didn’t. Unlike any other couples that give their partners surprises at some particular reasons, let us say on their anniversaries, christmas, or valentine’s day, I’m that guy who gives her surprises any day, at the most random day and not even close with any of our relationship events, just a day, like Wednesday. Because you know, a birthday surprise is never really a surprise.
The music playing on the background was french songs. I got it from a well-known playlist website using the famous hashtag #french. The playlist name was “At a coffee shop in Paris”. And it was okay, not really memorable lists of songs, but it’s French anyway, any female soprano singer and lots of trumpets will do. She looked like she enjoyed it while finishing her breakfast as she crunched her cereal well. I know this whole thing might sound cheesy, but that’s just our thing,we both found that travelling, especially together with your partner is such a romantic event. So when we’re not travelling, we like to pretend that we were travelling, to those places we’ve never been to, or to places we’ve been to, but without each other. So well, even though I’m not really sure if French eat cereals for breakfast, but let’s just say it is, today’s destination was Paris.
We started to get ready right after we finished our breakfast. We were pretty late that morning, so we had no time to chill around as we had to rush to get to store in time. And that just gave me an idea, maybe I should make a ‘shower-together’ morning surprise next, okay maybe next Saturday. I was driving the car to our store when she tried to put a shades on me. “To make you even cooler Mr.too cool!”, she told me. I love how she always tries to put an effort to joke around with me, even when she knows she wasn’t so funny, so I always feel really thankful and appreciate it a lot every time she does that, as she is always funny, for me at least. We arrived to our store earlier than we expected, we own a general store where we sell almost all of the things we like. We always come earlier, even before our staff. We like to set the decoration settings or change the placement of the display items. We decided to change some part of the placements today, so we were a bit busy. As we almost finished, I was standing next to the cash registry when she said “Okay let’s put these flower vases here, and we’re done”. For a second I wanted to ask her to put those flower vases back to the place where I’ve put them just now, but I just ignored it. That’s one of our differences, she always thinks that everything does not have to be so neat to be pretty, that somehow there is a beauty in a mess, while I, on the other hand, always think that organized things is pretty. Well maybe it’s just my perfectionist side talking, or just my inner OCD, perhaps? But I’ve learned a lot, about my ego, and as our relationship goes through, I think at some point we agreed that we found our place somewhere in between.
She finished the decoration setup and turned the “closed” sign aside to “open”. The staffs were late today, but it wasn’t the end of the world, there’s never more than 15 customers by the very first open hour. She turned around and walk towards me. She was asking for a hug, so I went forward, hug her and kiss her cheek. She was smiling, and I could see her happy eyes, like every other day.
She turned around as the bell above the door rang, it rings every time someone opens the door. She walked to the front to greet our first visitor today, and I was still standing behind the cash registry. It was unbelievable at first when I think I’ve found the love of my life, but I do love the fact that in her I did. You know how people say that everyone has a secret within them. And they, in their life find a way to found someone who they can share the secrets with. I was not really into that idea, and yet until now, I know I haven’t told her all of my secrets within. I was also not really sure if I really have known all about her. I didn’t know how her first heartbreak was, or maybe why does she like butterfly so much, but I believe she will explain it to me some day. For me it was pretty hard to digest the idea, I used to find it scary to imagine someone who could understand every single little details of me, even my tiniest flaws, adding that I am also such a closed-book person. But maybe the saying was right, because with her I know someday I will. I will tell her all of my secrets, and leave her without any further wonders. Maybe one night, when we couldn’t sleep and ended up talking our hearts out.
Or maybe one day, on one sunny day, on my ‘ditch-work-and-go-camping’ surprise day. Over the green grass, on our red checkered camping matte, when we’d try so hard to be classy, reading books and eating subways. I know it should be sandwiches, but according to the fact that I don’t eat breads, and I don’t like any other breads except subways, let’s just accept it. She would tell me stories and I would tell her mine. And then I’ll say those words. “I think I’ve never told this to anyone before, and I have no idea why did I tell you this.” And then you would smile like a winner, like you just accomplished one huge achievement. “It is what they call trust”, you’d say that.
And I would just accept it, the fact that finally I have someone that I can really trust, maybe forever. And it’s funny because forever, forever, I used to be afraid to call it forever. It’s scary that you make a commitment to others, or even to yourself in that really really long duration. I mean, forever is so long, and we don’t even know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, and that our feelings change day by day. But with her, I think I started to be familiar with the idea, even more to be honest, now I think forever sounds a bit too short for us.
I want to go to places with her, holding hands, making love, laughing, eats a lot of ice cream, everything that I do with her, and I don’t think we’d have enough time in this world. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have to sleep so I could just talk with her all night long, but then again, the idea of going to sleep, and waking up to her like this morning also sounds perfect in my world.
These past months I’ve been trying to figure out what really is the purpose of life. And I haven’t really figured that out, but that’s okay I guess. I’m in my 20s, maybe just a few have figured things out in their 20’s. Heartbreaks made me think a lot about life. If my life was in the ‘500 days of summer’ movie, I was Tom after his heartbreak, I was laying down in my bed the whole week, doing nothing but bouncing a tennis ball without any particular reason. But then like in the movie, I’m starting to draw the sketches, the plans of what I’m going to do in the next chapter of my life.
It was really cold here, I was literally freezing. Life made me so good at ignoring things, I was a man with a heart as hard a stone cold, and the irony is I got my hearts melted during this winter. I started to marvel at the beautiful things. I was really a self-centered person before, I always think that I’m the one with the hardest life, and no one would ever actually understand what I’m feeling, because they have no fucking idea of what I was dealing with. I used to look at things in my own perspective. I stand up with my own principles, which is not a really bad thing I guess, but I realized that in some cases, breaking your own principles won’t hurt. Sometimes it’s good to break the rules, and to look at stuffs with other people’s point of view. To think that I’m not that one who is always right. That life also happened to them, as well.
I picked up my guitar again, I started to write my thoughts. I went for a walk alone, I went to the field and play basketball with strangers. I hang out with people I’m not really comfortable with. I watched the leaves fall down from trees. I stared at butterflies sitting on the flowers. I went to places I don’t know, trying things I never did before, and trying to figure out what they can offer me, what things I could actually learn from it. That’s when I realized that life is not about finding love and being happy all the time. It’s about crying, hating, wishing and being let down. But come to think of it again, it’s not that bad to experience things, or being sad, and it’s boredom that kills you. Because good things happen all the time, and sometimes all you need is time, to kneel down and pick up the beautiful parts of life.
I started to talk with my mom, I never say “I miss you” to my mom before, but I surprisingly did, and it feels good. I started to tell people what I feel. I said thanks often, I told people around me that I actually love them, and it’s really comforting, to be honest. I’ve been staring at people secretly behind the glass screen, thinking that I’m the one who’s free, while they’re trapped inside the glass. Meanwhile in fact, it has always been me inside the glass, like a dead pinned butterfly, static and unmoving, trapped behind the box, watching other’s life unfolds. And now I really want to break those glasses so hard.
But before that, I just want to go home.
Sometimes we can fall in love with someone for all the wrong reasons, and still love them even after all the heartache because most of the time, we can’t pick who we love. And even though we know we shouldn’t love them, we do and always will, because there are just some people in our lives who will get to us for reasons we can’t explain, even when they shouldn’t.
This is for the best,
For me, or for you
that I don’t know,
(at least I try not to)
It’s best I let you go,
exhale you out.
But my stubborn heart
refuses to drop the pieces of my heart
no matter how broken they are
because these fragments held your eyes,
and I’m afraid if I let them go,
my heartbeat might fall to.
This is for the best though.
So I gather these fragments
and tie them
(tie my love)
to a white balloon,
releasing it for the clouds to embrace.
This is for the best,
but it doesn’t make things any easier
because you meant something to me
and I meant something to you
(once upon a time)
before things got complicated.
Maybe you’ll eventually fade away,
and the sting of heartache will pass.
(but for now, I’ll miss you)